Good day to all of you at-home Dads. I am sure that you are reading this between your many domestic duties of
My Hero!
cleaning the house, the kid’s room(s), and other stuff. Never would I imagine that you have any down-time to read blogs and comment on them, while still having time to get your work done for the day. I mean, women for centuries have said how their house-work consumes them, and their daily lives. For safety reasons, and a little PC-ness (political correctness) I will go no further with that string. That could get me in some trouble. If I don’t post anything for 4 days, assume that my wife, or some other female has murdered me, and my body has been put in a concrete slab somewhere to rot. That’s kind of gross, so…sorry for the imagery there.
Today I have a gripe. It is centered toward someone in the internet community, which I am new at. So it could get interesting. However, I want an answer to why, this Mrs. Trunks, feels the need, simply based on her inital experience – which would lead to more questioning – that SAHD’s are, well…what she stated we were. Read on…
My dear, Mrs. Trunk, I can honestly say that this S.A.H.D. phenomenon has hit us rather abruptly. I mean twenty-years ago you would have never found a Dad taking care of the domestic duties of the home; or not one that would admit to doing so. In fact, you would not have even been considered a man at all. I also agree that social tendencies make us believe that it is the Father’s duty to take care of his home by going to work every day, making a “living”, thus bringin’ home the bacon. The consensus? It is our duty. And whether we do it from home, or away from the home it is still, absolutely, undeniably…our duty!
For all of you on-lookers out there, Penelope Trunk in her “advice at the intersection of work and life” (advice?!) blog states the following. You can see her blog at: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/07/20/my-own-marriage-and-the-myth-of-the-stay-at-home-dad/
“My husband, in fact, has brought up divorce for other reasons. “I am not totally
sure which ones, to be honest”, but I think it is career related since I have a great career and his sort of stalled when he became a stay-at-home dad and then went to hell from there”.
“…any stay-at-home dad is either self-delusional or working part-time”
”I know that there are a lot of stay-at-home dads. But while it may seem
like there are a lot who are happy, I think it’s really just that every single one of the happy ones is blogging”
So before I move forward, let me just get this straight…you are married, running a blog on giving advice on life, and you don’t even know why your husband of 15 years wants to divorce you? And you are calling us (SAHD’s) “self-delusional”? Oh my, how far we fall when we want to “blame others” (quoted by you) for short-comings when we ourselves have the same. I want to ask…how many hours per week does your career, and the pursuit of money take you away from your family per week? When was the last time ALL of you sat down at the dinner table together for dinner? I know, these are tough questions, and they do not mean to harm. Bite, possibly, which I like to take, as I am sure you will take yours. That’s the fun in arguing, if done correctly.
All I can say here, Penelope, is WOW! This is the first time that I have been to your blog, and I went there through another blog www.rebeldad.com that I read often. Or have read often lately. Next time my wife tells me that my writing affects the whole family I will show her yours. I like your blog, and you are really taking the controversial route to a new meaning. Maybe if I had 450,000 views per month, I would think much differently. Heck, I am just trying to get one view a month. However, I just started, so we’ll see. Any advice?
Again, for you on-lookers out there, see the following…this is to you…
If you read through some of her other blogs you will notice that she is very forthright in telling absolutely everything about her life, as well as the rest of her family’s lives. Is this all true? Do ethics in blogging come to anyone’s mind here? Her reasoning makes sense that she did it before her and hubby got together, and he “knew what he was getting himself into”. But, marriage works a bit differently, doesn’t it? As does…love? Is it not logical that something must be sacrificed sometimes, and that it may hurt a bit?
Here’s my issue with all of this. First of all, why is it that she categorizes all SAHD’s as “self-delusional” based merely on her experience with her hubby staying at home with their autistic kid – a feat that I doubt I could conquer by any means – that was obviously…bad. Reflecting on the first quote, I would have to add that it doesn’t seem she has any authority in giving advice at all. Possibly to the business sector. The statement I take out of this is, “…I am not totally sure which one’s…” speaking on the reasons why her hubby wants to divorce her, is very telling of the problem that her and hubby are facing. Pride consumes like fire. It takes down everything in its path. Is that what you sense here?
My point to the post is relationships. How is yours holding up? I have talked to a lot of guys. Some of these guys have relationships that are horrible, and some of them have these crazy, childish love relationships where everywhere they go they dress alike…eat the same food…give butterfly kisses. YUCK! If you are a guy, and you are doing this stuff, then please, for all of us guys…STOP! All silliness aside, this is a very serious issue, and cannot be ignored. Many families are going through this right now. Penelope, if you happen to read this please read with an open mind right now, and listen to what I have to say. Have your hubby read it too. I have some things that may help you. First, though, I have a tie-in story…
The other day M.C. Spaz (the oldest) came home from school rather upset. He was crying profusely, and I have learned through dealing with him that it is best to just leave him alone for a bit, let him get his thoughts together, settle down and then we can talk. Well, after doing all of this I entered his room and asked him what was going on. He told me that he didn’t want to talk about it. I explained to him that while I understand that he didn’t want to talk about it, it’s important that he do so. Dad’s way of saying, spill it, punk! So he explains…it turns out that he has this friend in school and he asked her to tell her friend that he loves her and wants to date her. In some very mean words the girl he asked says…”Oh GROSS!!! I wouldn’t go out with him! I don’t even like him!!!” Now, put yourself in Spaz’s shoes for a moment. This is his first attempt at harnessing the amazing power, and feeling of love. He has worked himself up to this grand moment for weeks, putting it off and questioning whether he has the balls to ask this girl out. So he does and it ends in total failure. His statement to me was rather funny, though. While standing there with tears flowing down his face, and with as much conviction as he can muster, he says to me, “LOVE SUCKS!!! I DON’T NEED LOVE!!! I AM NEVER GOING TO LOVE ANYONE AGAIN!!! “Well”, I thought…”that went well”. Hence the nic-name, Spaz. Thankfully, he is over it now. Whew. That was a tough one.
Now, we here in logical-land understand the childish nature of this. You remember that thing you had back in the day when you got butterflies in your stomach; the shortness of breath that completely overtakes you; your heart pounding so hard that the whole entire room can hear it, and all this from simply attempting to hold a girl’s hand. Yeah…well as all of us know, these feelings go away. You start to get used to, and learn a lot about one another. Understand something here, love is like this: It is not specifically a verb, nor a noun. It is not a feeling that you just have…especially after 15 years of marriage (Penelope). It is not something we are born with. It is not TV love. However, it is something that we must practice, and we must learn. If we don’t put it into practice immediately, as well as learn it’s most fundamental lessons then we are going to have ourselves a very empty life. There comes a time in your life when you must choose to love. I have a wife. We have a happy marriage…most of the time. We’ve had our unfair share of great challenges. No, I don’t plan to blog them. But through love we have learned how to love. Honestly, it is so simple, its complex. Kind of like the word…GRACE. That is true love.
Love is not something that you wake up with every morning. You must, however, wake up to it every morning by making a choice to love. YOU must choose to love the other; to serve the other without expecting anything in return. There are no paybacks in love. There is only love, and what you take from it is what you get out of it. If you take, take, take and you are never one to give, give, give then what do you think you will end up with? Apply this philosophy to your bank account. Now tell me what you get out of it. It’s not an abundant bank account, is it? It’s void. And you definitely will not have a good marriage with this philosophy. Are you hearing me here?
Tomorrow morning when all of you wake up to your spouse look at her/him and just tell yourself, “I am going to choose to love today. And I am going to do everything within my power to make this other person love me back; not for anything in return, but simply because I want to love”. By affirming this, your mind starts to work with you. Especially when it is the first thing you think of when you wake up. This is not easy, but love was not meant to be easy, and that is what makes it so absolutely special. Because if you make it through, by loving, the rewards you get in return are…love.
Whether you are having troubles in your marriage or not this exercise will help you in your relationships. And good relationships make a better world for all of us. If nothing else, please try it. Prove me wrong on this. Until next time…post your comments and love others.
