SAHD’s Are “Self Delusional”? Where’s the Love?

Good day to all of you at-home Dads. I am sure that you are reading this between your many domestic duties of

My Hero!

cleaning the house, the kid’s room(s), and other stuff. Never would I imagine that you have any down-time to read blogs and comment on them, while still having time to get your work done for the day. I mean, women for centuries have said how their house-work consumes them, and their daily lives. For safety reasons, and a little PC-ness (political correctness) I will go no further with that string. That could get me in some trouble. If I don’t post anything for 4 days, assume that my wife, or some other female has murdered me, and my body has been put in a concrete slab somewhere to rot. That’s kind of gross, so…sorry for the imagery there.

Today I have a gripe. It is centered toward someone in the internet community, which I am new at. So it could get interesting. However, I want an answer to why, this Mrs. Trunks, feels the need, simply based on her inital experience – which would lead to more questioning – that SAHD’s are, well…what she stated we were. Read on…

My dear, Mrs. Trunk, I can honestly say that this S.A.H.D. phenomenon has hit us rather abruptly. I mean twenty-years ago you would have never found a Dad taking care of the domestic duties of the home; or not one that would admit to doing so. In fact, you would not have even been considered a man at all. I also agree that social tendencies make us believe that it is the Father’s duty to take care of his home by going to work every day, making a “living”, thus bringin’ home the bacon. The consensus? It is our duty. And whether we do it from home, or away from the home it is still, absolutely, undeniably…our duty!

For all of you on-lookers out there, Penelope Trunk in her “advice at the intersection of work and life” (advice?!) blog states the following. You can see her blog at: http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/07/20/my-own-marriage-and-the-myth-of-the-stay-at-home-dad/

“My husband, in fact, has brought up divorce for other reasons. “I am not totally
sure which ones, to be honest”, but I think it is career related since I have a great career and his sort of stalled when he became a stay-at-home dad and then went to hell from there”.

“…any stay-at-home dad is either self-delusional or working part-time”

”I know that there are a lot of stay-at-home dads. But while it may seem
like there are a lot who are happy, I think it’s really just that every single one of the happy ones is blogging”

So before I move forward, let me just get this straight…you are married, running a blog on giving advice on life, and you don’t even know why your husband of 15 years wants to divorce you? And you are calling us (SAHD’s) “self-delusional”? Oh my, how far we fall when we want to “blame others” (quoted by you) for short-comings when we ourselves have the same. I want to ask…how many hours per week does your career, and the pursuit of money take you away from your family per week? When was the last time ALL of you sat down at the dinner table together for dinner? I know, these are tough questions, and they do not mean to harm. Bite, possibly, which I like to take, as I am sure you will take yours. That’s the fun in arguing, if done correctly.

All I can say here, Penelope, is WOW! This is the first time that I have been to your blog, and I went there through another blog www.rebeldad.com that I read often. Or have read often lately. Next time my wife tells me that my writing affects the whole family I will show her yours. I like your blog, and you are really taking the controversial route to a new meaning. Maybe if I had 450,000 views per month, I would think much differently. Heck, I am just trying to get one view a month. However, I just started, so we’ll see. Any advice?

Again, for you on-lookers out there, see the following…this is to you…

If you read through some of her other blogs you will notice that she is very forthright in telling absolutely everything about her life, as well as the rest of her family’s lives. Is this all true?  Do ethics in blogging come to anyone’s mind here?  Her reasoning makes sense that she did it before her and hubby got together, and he “knew what he was getting himself into”. But, marriage works a bit differently, doesn’t it? As does…love? Is it not logical that something must be sacrificed sometimes, and that it may hurt a bit?

Here’s my issue with all of this. First of all, why is it that she categorizes all SAHD’s as “self-delusional” based merely on  her experience with her hubby staying at home with their autistic kid – a feat that I doubt I could conquer by any means – that was obviously…bad. Reflecting on the first quote, I would have to add that it doesn’t seem she has any authority in giving advice at all. Possibly to the business sector. The statement I take out of this is, “…I am not totally sure which one’s…” speaking on the reasons why her hubby wants to divorce her, is very telling of the problem that her and hubby are facing. Pride consumes like fire. It takes down everything in its path.  Is that what you sense here?

My point to the post is relationships. How is yours holding up? I have talked to a lot of guys. Some of these guys have relationships that are horrible, and some of them have these crazy, childish love relationships where everywhere they go they dress alike…eat the same food…give butterfly kisses. YUCK! If you are a guy, and you are doing this stuff, then please, for all of us guys…STOP! All silliness aside, this is a very serious issue, and cannot be ignored. Many families are going through this right now. Penelope, if you happen to read this please read with an open mind right now, and listen to what I have to say. Have your hubby read it too. I have some things that may help you. First, though, I have a tie-in story…

The other day M.C. Spaz (the oldest) came home from school rather upset. He was crying profusely, and I have learned through dealing with him that it is best to just leave him alone for a bit, let him get his thoughts together, settle down and then we can talk. Well, after doing all of this I entered his room and asked him what was going on. He told me that he didn’t want to talk about it. I explained to him that while I understand that he didn’t want to talk about it, it’s important that he do so. Dad’s way of saying, spill it, punk! So he explains…it turns out that he has this friend in school and he asked her to tell her friend that he loves her and wants to date her. In some very mean words the girl he asked says…”Oh GROSS!!! I wouldn’t go out with him! I don’t even like him!!!” Now, put yourself in Spaz’s shoes for a moment. This is his first attempt at harnessing the amazing power, and feeling of love. He has worked himself up to this grand moment for weeks, putting it off and questioning whether he has the balls to ask this girl out. So he does and it ends in total failure. His statement to me was rather funny, though. While standing there with tears flowing down his face, and with as much conviction as he can muster, he says to me, “LOVE SUCKS!!! I DON’T NEED LOVE!!! I AM NEVER GOING TO LOVE ANYONE AGAIN!!! “Well”, I thought…”that went well”. Hence the nic-name, Spaz. Thankfully, he is over it now. Whew. That was a tough one.

Now, we here in logical-land understand the childish nature of this. You remember that thing you had back in the day when you got butterflies in your stomach; the shortness of breath that completely overtakes you; your heart pounding so hard that the whole entire room can hear it, and all this from simply attempting to hold a girl’s hand. Yeah…well as all of us know, these feelings go away. You start to get used to, and learn a lot about one another. Understand something here, love is like this: It is not specifically a verb, nor a noun. It is not a feeling that you just have…especially after 15 years of marriage (Penelope). It is not something we are born with. It is not TV love. However, it is something that we must practice, and we must learn. If we don’t put it into practice immediately, as well as learn it’s most fundamental lessons then we are going to have ourselves a very empty life. There comes a time in your life when you must choose to love. I have a wife. We have a happy marriage…most of the time. We’ve had our unfair share of great challenges. No, I don’t plan to blog them. But through love we have learned how to love. Honestly, it is so simple, its complex. Kind of like the word…GRACE. That is true love.

Love is not something that you wake up with every morning. You must, however, wake up to it every morning by making a choice to love. YOU must choose to love the other; to serve the other without expecting anything in return. There are no paybacks in love. There is only love, and what you take from it is what you get out of it. If you take, take, take and you are never one to give, give, give then what do you think you will end up with? Apply this philosophy to your bank account. Now tell me what you get out of it. It’s not an abundant bank account, is it? It’s void. And you definitely will not have a good marriage with this philosophy. Are you hearing me here?

Tomorrow morning when all of you wake up to your spouse look at her/him and just tell yourself, “I am going to choose to love today. And I am going to do everything within my power to make this other person love me back; not for anything in return, but simply because I want to love”. By affirming this, your mind starts to work with you. Especially when it is the first thing you think of when you wake up. This is not easy, but love was not meant to be easy, and that is what makes it so absolutely special. Because if you make it through, by loving, the rewards you get in return are…love.

Whether you are having troubles in your marriage or not this exercise will help you in your relationships. And good relationships make a better world for all of us. If nothing else, please try it. Prove me wrong on this. Until next time…post your comments and love others.

 

Sheer Shaving TERROR!!!!!!

Sheer Shaving TERROR

Okay, so I am watching this commercial today.  I am thinking, like usual, how annoying commercials are sometimes.  However, there are always those really funny ones.  The first “caveman” Geico commercials were awesome!  Yeah, so anyway, I am watching TV some today, and this commercial for the Gillette Fusion razor comes on.  I have seen those commercials a million times.  You know four blades of sheer, facial hair terror.  Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about; the razor which no strand of facial hair on the face of the planet can stand up to.  I love my Gillette razor!  Yeah, so I am watching this commercial, and it’s not the same as some of the other ones that I have seen.  In fact, to my utter surprise, this is almost like a short infomercial.  So they start showing this good looking guy shaving.  Not nearly as good looking as I am, but I guess he will have to do.  I would much rather see one of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders though.  Not that I like the Cowboys by any stretch.  So this guy is shaving and they are showing the razor and all.  Well, they go in and focus on the strip at the top of the blade.  If you’re not sure which one I am talking about then take a look at one.  I am so excited about this!  These Gillette Fusions have this strip on the top of the razor that tells you when it is time to change the razor.  You see, when it is time to change the razor out for a new one, the strip turns white.  Yes, white.  I can hear Chris Rock now…”White?!  What’s it gotta’ be white fo’!”  I have always wondered when it is a good time to change my razor, and now I know.  When the little strip of whatever it is, at the top of the blade turns white!  Awesome!  Thank you, Jesus!  I now know when to change the blade on my razor. 

I guess I am somewhat sentimental when it comes to changing the blades on my razor, though.  Either sentimental or cheap; both fit, but I am only admitting to one.  You see, when I have shaved with a razor it’s like I become “one” with the razor.  For some reason I feel like I should insert the word, “dude” after, “become one with the razor”.  I say this because I went into the bathroom and got my razor out to see if it was ready to be changed.  By the looks of the rust on the blade, it would seem that it would be a great time to change the razor out.  Oh yeah, the strip was white, also.  Would you believe that I didn’t do it?  Yeah, I didn’t.  I haven’t shaved with it in about a week or so.  I normally grab my electric shaver for quick jobs, which actually takes just as long, but without the shaving cream mess everywhere.  My thoughts are, I will go ahead and shave with it one more time just to make sure it really is ready to face the razor Gods.  I am kind of a conspiracy guy, so my thinking here is maybe they just say that to get us dudes to buy more razors, and sooner, when we really don’t need one just yet.  I mean, it makes sense doesn’t it?  I would do that if I were Jim Kilts, CEO for Gillette; especially in a great economy like ours.  But, thankfully, I am not Jim Kilts.  If I were I would most likely live in a much larger house.  And by the way, Jim, if you’re reading this my friend, this is advertising for you.  I would be glad to take a check or PayPal.  Either one will be just fine.

I am not really sure where this falls in line with S.A.H.D.’s but look at it this way, the next time you are shaving with a Gillette Fusion razor, you will think about this post, and I would bet my blog that you will look at the strip to see if it is time to change the razor.  So, if nothing else, take it as advice.  Change the razor!

Tim Kazee; Professional Blogger www.digdad.blogspot.com; www.digdads.wordpress.com

January 30, 2009   

 

Shut-Up and Go to BED!!!

Little "H"

Okay…so what gives with the whole “going to bed” thing?  I mean seriously, what gives?  What exactly do our kids think is going on in the living room while they are in bed?  I remember watching the show “Growing Pains” as a kid.  I always had a huge crush on Carol Seaver (Tracey Gold) as a kid.  She was hot.  Then she started down the path of anorexia and she wasn’t so hot anymore.  I seen her recently, and, well…she’s hot again.  I’m such a sucker for smart brunettes.  Anyway, I remember an episode where Chrissy – remember the little sister on the show?  She was played by Ashley Johnson – was having a difficult time going to bed.  Imagine that, huh?  Well, as she lies in her bed, the camera went to this dream sequence where she was thinking of all the activities that were going on down stairs while she was in bed.  Being a cute little girl, and being that most cute little girls like ponies, she starts to make herself believe that there was this HUGE pony party going on downstairs, equipped with a huge piñata, cake, ice cream…and, WITHOUT HER!  It showed Mike Seaver (Kirk Cameron) laughing and saying things like, “I sure am glad Chrissy isn’t here”, and things like that while stuffing his face with cake.  Mr. and Mrs. Seaver were joining in on the fun to.  I mean this was a HUGE bash going on downstairs.  Can you just imagine the dismay a kid would have thinking about this?  I mean what a horrible thing, to have a party going on in the very house that you live in, and you’re not even allowed to participate?  That’s gotta be tough.  Well, needless to say, Chrissy was having a really hard time going to bed. 

 

 

 

 

 

I often wonder if my own children think this; that there is some huge party going on every night after they go to bed.  Well…I will have to admit there have been some “small get-togethers” after they are in bed, but these don’t happen but maybe once or twice a week, and we certainly have never had a pony or a piñata…or not that I can remember.  Normally, it’s a card game with some friends.  We do get a bit loud at times, but my kids would sleep through a nuclear explosion, so there’s no fear of them waking up, it’s just getting to bed that is the issue.  And it would also seem that it is always the nights that we need them to go to bed on time, that they…well…don’t. 

Having 3 kids (M.C. Spaz, 9; Izmo, 6; Little “H”, 6) I have learned a thing or two about going to bed.  Aren’t you just so lucky that you have such a great mentor here?  What would all of you do without me?  Okay, enough of the ego.  I am actually a pretty humble guy.  I just like to act the ego out sometimes.  Anyway, when my kids were mainly toddlers bedtime was a living Hell.  And I say this with as much passion as I possibly can.  It would literally take 2 to 3 hours just to get these guys to sleep.  It was horrible!  We would try wooden spoons (learned that one from my mom…don’t ask how), plastic spoons (also learned from my mother), screaming, yelling, sitting in their room till they were out, shoes (another of mom’s lessons) sitting outside their door till they were out, rocking, etc.  We tried everything!  It was so frustrating, and I, in all my humbleness, which went straight out the door at bed time, was getting pissed.  And wouldn’t you know that the moment they finally fell asleep, or so I thought they had, I start to get up and I just happen to be sitting in a creaky area of the floor.  Floor creaks, and now I have 3 kids, all of which are awake…AGAIN.  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  It drives me crazy just thinking of these times.  This being said, I don’t deal with these times much anymore.  Many of my friends do, even with the same age children, but after instituting some very strict bedtime rules these days are coming to an end.

So, my question here is how can I help you, out there, that are going through this on a daily basis?  Well, I have some ideas for you.  Don’t forget also that some of you out there will have some bedtime tactics of your own, so please post!    

Bed TIME!

If you have not instituted an actual time for your kids to go to bed, and I mean a real time that they can see every night, then you are losing the battle, due mainly to lack of organization.  For those Dads/Moms out there that have their kids on a schedule they can attest that it is the very best thing they have ever done – getting their kids on a set schedule.  For those that have not…well…either do so, or God help ya, cause even I couldn’t at that point.  If this is you, then it’s time to start this endeavor tonight.  It is important that you have a clock handy, either a digital or a normal clock with hands is fine, also.  Since kids are people, it is important that you involve them in this and sit the kid(s) down when they get home from school, daycare, or wherever and have a meeting with them.  In your conversation with them, ask them what time they think would be a good bedtime for them.  With a little help from you, the parent, in focusing them on the time you want them in bed, you will not only come up with a fair bed time, but also one that they will try and commit to as well; simply because you respected them by allowing them some say, so-to-speak.   Now you need a visual device for those little darlings.  This is for them to keep track themselves.  So, put a clock out in clear view that they can see throughout the evening.  In your meeting with the kids you tell them that due to the fact that you need Daddy/Mommy time, or Daddy AND Mommy time (my favorite time for sure!!!!) you are making a bedtime for them, and it is unacceptable for them not to go to bed at this time (you may have to explain the word, “unacceptable” to them).  You explain the clock to them, and tell them that “when the clock gets here”, wherever your here is, “then it is time to start getting ready for bed”.  For example, if you have a digital clock then you say, “When the clock says 6-3-0, then that means it is time to take your bath and get ready for bed”.  If you have a non-digital clock, then put a fake clock next to it with the time already set on it.  This way you can say, “When the clock gets here it is time to…”  Understand?

This method does a couple of things for the kids.  First, it puts them in a mind-set that the time is coming when things must stop for the day.  It also teaches them organization and always being prepared.  These are such important lessons early in life.  But the main point here is that you have set the limit, or the boundary.  I mean, how are they to know it’s wrong if you haven’t really told them it’s wrong.  Their kids!  They need to be directed, not just told.  However, you, as the parent and the adult of the home, must hold your kids accountable to this, and you also must be held accountable to this.  Once you start it, if you veer any other way, then you have taught your kids a very negative lesson.  So be sure that when you do start your new initiative you stay with it.  CONSISTENCY!  After about 1 to 2 weeks of doing this every day, including weekends, you will notice a wonderful change in your kids.  Simply by putting them on a set schedule you can affect so many things in your life, and your home.  Hmmmm…interesting lesson for all of us with kids, or without for that matter.

For now, I am going to leave you with this homework.  In the coming week, I will post Shut-up and go to bed 2, and I will go over some other methods that have worked in my family.  There is a lot of meat in this post, so I will leave you with this for now. 

In the end I can assure you, you will have a much easier time with many areas in your life, and your kid’s lives.  The lessons learned through this for both the kids, and Dad and Mom will affect you very positively, and will start a whole new era in your home.  If you have luck with this method please let my readers know.  If not, tell us all what you are doing in a comment.  Until next time…. No, we are not there yet!     

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Kaz; Professional Blogger www.digdad.blogspot.com

 

Everywhere You Turn…Change…Change…Change

Y.D.B.

What is my blog going to be about?  Great question!   To some, this task would require much intense thought and speculation.  You know how it works.  You finally get this wild hair in your arse (that’s my phrase, not yours!) to start a blog.  I mean, come on!  Everybody else is making money with these stupid things, how hard can it be?  Then the thinking begins.  “Hmmmmm, what should I write about; sports, sports or sex?  The possibilities are endless”.   This being said, mine is going to require a short story.  And why, since I am signing up on a blogging site, would I do anything different, but to use my newly found blogging skills to tell you what my blog is all about?  It’s like a blog inside a blog.  IT’S GENIUS I TELL YOU!!!  So check this out…

It seems odd how things can change so drastically in each of our lives, doesn’t it?  I mean, I would have never imagined this amazing change would happen.  Being the “great man” I am – that’s what my wife says.  Because I ROCK! – I have graciously accepted this utterly odd challenge that life has decided to throw at me.  Honestly, I don’t remember being challenged at all, but there is this deep, secret desire to do better than my wife at this position.  Maybe I am just too competitive.  Whatever.  Don’t tell my wife about the whole “competitive” thing.

So, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, as of January 20th, 2009.  Applause is not necessary, really.  However, please send cards…WITH MONEY!  Anniversary cards would be nice, but let’s be honest.  If it has the green-backs in it, it could be a child’s first baptism card.  It doesn’t matter, really.  Anyway, we have been together as a couple for around 10 years.  I know, I know…how odd is it that a guy remembers this stuff?  Through this time I have had many, many jobs; jobs that I have loved, jobs that I have hated.  All of them, in time, I have grown to hate.  You see, I can be very lazy.  In fact, I want to be lazy.  I also think I have some issues with authority, maybe.  Maybe it’s just an excuse.  But who cares.  It’s a good one.  Try telling that to a hiring manager in an interview.  “Yes, I have great skills, Mr. Manager!  My most coveted skill is my ability to be lazy, and hate authority”.  I’m not sure I would get the job.  It’s just a guess, though.  Maybe I should try it and put it on YouTube.  It’s a thought.  Anyway, since having all of these jobs, I have become quite proficient in just about everything.  Okay, not everything, but a lot of things.  Sales; customer service, sales, marketing, advertising, real estate, real estate finance (mortgage), all types of crazy laborious positions, and to top it off…MANAGEMENT. 

Now management is a very interesting experience.  Let me just tell you, if you are not ready to accept the debilitating hours, and the emphatic anal-ness from company execs , that you have no choice but to deal with as a manager, just don’t even go for the position.  For one year, and this is a long time for me, I was a branch marketing manager for this large, very corporate lawn/landscape care company.  I never saw my kids.  I rarely saw my wife.  Friends?!  Yeah, right!  Needless to say…it wasn’t me!  I couldn’t stand my boss.  He couldn’t stand me.  I didn’t agree with the sales practices of this company, and even being a manager, I had no say in changing any of those practices.  Every single day you are judged by the number you hit the previous day.  My sales reps were just less than typical, and the icing on the cake is the economy crumbling beneath our feet.  What a pitiful life.  I mean, I have always had great leadership skills, but this took the patience of Job.   This is where life takes a small twist. 

You see, for the 10 years that my wife and I have been together, I have been the person who goes to work every day.  I would wake my lazy butt up in the morning, help the dudes get ready for school, take them to school then get a shower and go to work.  But things changed in November of 2008.  That is why I am here today, writing this blog.  Since I didn’t completely agree with the sales practices of this company, like calling people literally hundreds of times just to try and sell them either a lawn care service, or some meaningless service to be added onto their current lawn care service, I was demoted.  There were many reasons behind all of this, and depending on who you asked, you would possibly hear many sides to the story as well.  But this brings me to the question of “what” my blog is going to be centered around.

You see, since this amazing change in my life, I have become somewhat domesticated.  I have taken over the role of “mom” in our home.  I mean, it’s not like I don’t have the time to play mom for awhile, and my kids are loving it.  I could be sitting around being depressed about losing my job, and doing nothing about it, like some do.  Maybe it would give me a reason to get some well needed Vicoden at the hospital.  Or, I could make the best out of it.  In fact, I want to do better than the best; I want to actually make money doing this job.  I know this is possible!  It’s got to be.  I mean, they sell “snowman poop” in some stores during Christmas, which is a package of 2 or 3 cotton balls in a plastic bag.  Yes…snowman poop.  But how awesome is this!  After a year of not seeing my kids at all; after not being home ever, I now have the chance to be here with my kids; to see my wife and spend quality time with all of them EVERYDAY, and with very little time constraints.  So the answer to the question is this.  I am going to start a blog for the Stay-At-Home-Dad, which is also available to stay at home moms as well.  I won’t discriminate.  Not completely anyway.

I am very hopeful that you will like this blog.  Moreover, I am hoping that there are some areas that I can help you with while you are going through your day of domestic duties and through your posts on my blog, ways that you can help me in my domestically dedicated day.  Together, we should be able to come up with some great things to do for our families, make home life a little bit easier and productive, and in the process have some fun.  Plus, it gives me a reason to be on the internet a couple hours a day.  Welcome to DigDads!  Stay posted for upcoming blogs, how-to’s, and other tidbits of information that will help you along the way.  Until next time…SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!

 

Kaz

 

Kaz is a Professional Blogger at www.digdad.blogspot.com

January 28^th, 2009